One of my favourite programmes Dating in the Dark is back for a second series on Living TV. If you've never seen it, basically it's a 'social experiment' where strangers take part in a series of dating activities with members of the opposite sex - but all in the dark. At the end of these tasks, they have the option to pick someone to see in the light - cue hilarious facial expressions and intakes of breath when they find out that the person they have been canoodling with in the dark room is the spitting image of Sideshow Bob...or if you're lucky, David Beckham (dreamy exhale!). Finally, contestants then have to decide if they want to be reunited with the person and ride off into the sunset hand in hand...also known as a ride in the back of black cab to the nearest Wetherspoons. Here is a clip of Ellie deciding between the charming Ryan and the arrogant, cocky, thinks-he's-God's-Gift Eddie...should be an easy choice shouldn't it?
So despite having a great personality and really connecting with Ryan, Ellie picks Eddie even though she even stated herself that he wasn't exactly a nice guy. When speaking to my girls, this is a common topic of conversation - females going after bad boys, nice guys finishing last, not having that so called 'spark'. Yet we complain that the guys we choose end up being the biggest idiots on planet Earth. Yes, I would say that it's all about finding a balance of personality and someone that you're attracted to, but that plan doesn't always work out. Can you be with someone you are not physically attracted to but give it a go because you really connect? Does physical attraction have to play a central role or can it work if you're simply attracted to their personality? Does it make you shallow if you turn someone away because you don't like the way they look? Can you become attracted to someone you didn't previously find attractive - can you learn to love that pot belly, bald patch and the one-eye-bigger than the other?
When talking to mother dearest about her younger days and how she fell for my Dad, she always says she was attracted to his personality, how he gave the impression that he was ambitious, a hard worker and most importantly for her, would do absolutely anything to see his children happy. Was she physically attracted to him, yes I guess so but according to her there were a lot of handsome men vying for her attention (my mum is a gorgeous saucy minx by the way) but she chose my Dad for the qualities previously mentioned. I have adopted that same attitude, like mother like daughter (including the gorgeous saucy minx part!) but if I'm honest attraction still plays a large part in whether I give someone a go or not. Is it because we're living in different times where the emphasis on physicality is a lot more prominent in society? Maybe for my mother, coming from a small village in Ghana, West Africa where there were not a great deal of opportunities available, she was attracted to someone who would be a good partner in providing her future children with the needed support to be successful in life; her priorities were different. Maybe it's because nowadays in the culture we live in there are a lot more options; everything is disposable, everything can be upgraded - including your partner. I guess there are a lot of reasons but it does make me think that our preoccupation with the physical means that we are actually missing out on an awful lot. Maybe our modern society and culture is not the best recipe for a Happily Ever After after all.
What are your thoughts; have you ever dated someone you are not attracted to and more interestingly, have you grown to find them attractive as time went on?
As much as personality is super important, attraction is defo a major deciding factor. It's sad coz sometimes you meet some great people but they will always stay in the friends zone jus coz you don't find them attractive...oh well such is life!
ReplyDeleteGood post:) oh & u love ur reality TV don't u, jeeeeze! lol
great post, I was actually preparing something a little similar- great minds think alike!
ReplyDeletePersonally, I do think its about a balance. To have a really attractive man who is not intelligent, caring, and charismatic would be a complete turn-off. Having said that, if he had all of the points that I would want in a partner, he would naturally be someone who I'd find attractive.
It seems that that might be asking for too much nowadays, so if I had to choose between the two, I'd go for ...sorry I dont think I can answer that just yet, perhaps I am that shallow but I need to have my cake and eat it.
@Miss Carmel - yes I do watch a lot of reality TV, there's so much of it about! Do not do Big Brother though! I hear you but dont you think we could all have better dating experiences if we didnt focus too much on a person's looks? That guy in the friend zone is a really good friend, has a great personality and you really connect so why couldn't it be a great relationship? Just makes me wonder...
ReplyDelete@ Fab Black Woman - great minds indeed. I like your honesty in that you dont automatically say that you would pick personality over looks because a lot of us wouldn't. Just thinking of the guys that we all put in to the friend zone like Miss Carmel said...wouldn't they make great partners so we're actually missing out...
There was a debate about this a while back on Twitter. I argued that it is possible to date an unattractive person and had done it. I also argued that it is possible to be ATTRACTED to an unattractive person and yes, I dated one for 4 years amid a LOT of cussing from friends and family advising me "I could do better"
ReplyDeleteI had the best in him as far as I'm concerned (all of the good points mentions by FBW as well as nurturing, a family man, hard worker, going places) and the relationship ended due to long distance and nothing else.
When I first met him we were going to a wedding so he was in front of me and I didnt really get a good look at him but hew was chatting to me the whole way. He had a rather intense stare which I have to admit did freak me out slightly but on the other hand he wasnt a creepy person and didn't ask me creepy questions etc etc.
It went from there until I went home and the relationship developed over 3 countries for 4 years until we realised we would never be able to live in the same country at the same time so decided to end it.
I do believe pheromones have an impact on a relationship as well and adds greatly to a relationship. I hope this made sense!
@Amatullah thanks for sharing your experience. I've heard quite a few responses saying that yes, it is possible to be attracted to an unattractive person so my faith in human kind has been restored! I guess it's just about what qualities you value most in a person and that varies from individual to individual so not judging at all but its interesting to see the differences.
ReplyDeleteFor me physical attraction is more than how pretty your face is. Yes I have been in a relationship with someone I wouldn't exactly look at twice if I was on road. Had it not been for culture clashes and lack of drive he was a great catch!
ReplyDeleteA pretty face is more than a bonus...but if the inner qualties are missing I would struggle to fancy you. I know of some handsome guys with great personalities and kingdom man qualities. The same goes for guys that are not so good looking. What I am trying to say is that with both men and women beauty fades. But if your inner beauty remains constant and unchanging I have to give you the thumbs up. I don't want someone who is just going to look good for the sake of wedding photos and behind closed doors they are not ticking the boxes. So no- you can't just tick the physical attraction box.
Personally I am big on drive, ambition, how you present yourself, if you're hardworking and whether you genuinely have reverence for God- need a Kingdom to take care of me and be the head of my home. The list doesn't exactly end there. But what I would say is that I would like to be able to crack joke with my future husband and also have a meaningful conversation too. I also look for someone who is intelligent and can challenge me to stretch my own thinking. And yet again the list doesn't end there. But I am trying to make this short so I will close by saying:
I am tired of these EMPTY beauties! Sorry!